Slipping

It's funny how things slip away from you.

Friday was my birthday.  I was ridiculously happy.  I'm hitting the age when women stop getting excited for birthdays and start dreading them but I had none of that fear or angst.  I was thrilled.  Following a week of bronchitis, I was finally on my feet, accompanied by a cough, but still, I was out of bed and wearing make-up.  I felt accomplished and deliciously happy for the night ahead of me - all you can eat sushi.  All you can eat sushi is something I have witnessed but never partaken in, so to celebrate another year of my life, I decided to start by doing something new.  

And it was great!  Sublime food paired with limitless carafes of sake and pitchers of Sapporo.

But it's two days later and my head is swimming with confusion, doubt, and dilemmas as I try to rationalize my way to making a decision about life.  How is it that in less than 48 hours, utter job can turn to utter exhaustion?  

Low Blood Sugar and The Importance of Sleep

Blame yesterday on low blood and sugar and lack of sleep, it still does not detract from the lesson learned.  I need to maintain who I am despite the ease of slipping into something else.  

In a city so big, it takes a long time to reach others.  In a city so big, I have friends who all have serious boyfriends.  So in a city so big, it is desperately easy to fall in love with the idea of having someone who will always be available.  But the key to remember is I made on my own before and I can and should continue to make it (mostly, not all) on my own now. 

Losing Yourself - Independent to Reliant?

How is is that in two months, I have forgotten who I have become over the past year?

A formerly independent New Yorker, I have come to rely upon companionship.  Tonight I find myself facing a concert without anyone to join me and it has thrown me in a tizzy.  Ultimately, because I can't find anyone to come with me, I have to face that I am alone in the city.  Despite feeling connected and having friends, I once again have to admit that it's me against the world.  

Of course, while writing this I admit to myself that I have had very little sleep over the past few days so I am of course being overly melodramatic and ridiculous but that does not stop my feelings from pervading my every thought.

I feel alone.  I am alone.  I am alone because I have lost myself.  

Tonight I will find myself again.  I will recenter.  I will remember who I am and where I am going.  No distractions.

Perceptions and Misperceptions on Valentine's Day

Destined for Macy's, we walked earbuds split as we maneuvered uptown, dodging west and north depending upon the lights.  

Looking back now, I wonder how absurdly cute this must have appeared.  How cliche it was to walk arm in arm on Valentine's day, smiling ridiculously as we meandered with a bounce in our step carelessly synced to the music emanating from the ipod.

In any good adventure, the journey is better than the destination.  

Metaphor for My Life - The Birds?

When I say The Birds I do not mean the Hitchcock film, although, that being said, my hatred/fear of birds is only exacerbated by it.  However, the point of this post is not famous films but birds.  Pigeons to be more precise.

I hate pigeons.  They are dirty, obnoxious, and dauntingly attempt to splatter you from above, dropping white bombs of pure hatred.  So why is it that despite my hatred of pigeons, part of what I love about New York is pigeons?  There is something that is so New York about a pigeon flocked park.  Maybe Home Alone (one, two, three?  who knows) did it to me but I am programmed to see a pigeon in a pack and think of NYC. 

So is it hate or is it love?  More of an awkward respect.  They promise not to shit on me and I will promise not to accidentally kick them when they get in my way.

Giving Up

How does someone choose to give up?  How does someone decide that it's just too hard?  How does someone choose it's not worth it to fight to be with loved ones?

I can't be angry but I can be upset.  I have no possible way of understanding how difficult this is and perhaps I'm being completely selfish...

Who I was, Who I am, Who I will be

This weekend my roommate's best friend is visiting again and I find myself remembering how different my interactions with him have been.

At first I was probably a bit flirtatious.  I wanted to be the cool, relaxed, cute roommate when I first moved in with the boys.

Later, I was probably the bitch.  Annoyed by the constant disrespect I received from my roommates, I turned into a bitter, nagging, unhappy wretch.

Today, today I feel nothing fake.  No anger, no desire to put forth an image of myself that may or may not be true.  I feel like myself.  I feel like a happy self.  Seeing myself here, I recognize where I've been.  And I feel triumphant.