When Did I Suddenly Become Old?

"When she said they'd mentioned marriage, I was a bit surprised but then I realized she was 23."

"She's 24 mom. 24. I'm 23."

"Yes, yes, well, anyway, at that age it's not so strange at all."

"Well, for me it is. Having had only one boyfriend I would truly count, I'm hardly in the position to start thinking marriage let alone long-term relationship."

"Who? Ryan? He doesn't count!"

"Great, so I've had no real relationships and my girlfriends are all getting married. Fabulous!"

This is how my break has been thus far. I'm surrounded by girlfriends who are either married, thinking of marriage, or in long-term relationships. It makes me question myself a bit. Why is it that don't seem to connect with anyone and why is it that, at this point in my life, having to deal with someone else's issues and trying to fit him into my life just doesn't sound feasible or fun? Am I late to mature or simply too selfish to commit myself to anyone? I don't suppose I like either answer but no matter what it is, I feel old.

But how can you commit when you can't even commit to your life? I want to live in New York one minute and San Francisco the next. I want to have a glamorous job today and tomorrow I want to work for a non-profit. I want to go out to fancy bars every weekend this month and next month I only want to rock climb and hike. If I don't know myself, how can I expect anyone to know me. Which leads to the question, when will I ever know myself? Am I too dynamic, too ever-changing, to ever settle down as "myself"?