Writing Topic

In the disparity of my current situation, I find myself searching desperately for writing opportunities to muster yet another by-line. This leads me to a multitude of subjects I have never considered before. Most recently I submitted a brief personal essay on what home is so me and now I find myself blustering through ideas for a longer personal essay.

When I hear the term personal essay, I can only think of writing an essay on my own life, which in turn means I can really only think of writing about my struggle to find a place where I belong. How is this of any interest?

Everyone struggles after college, searching for that ever elusive "purpose" we dream of finding while in college. Well, for those of us who didn't discover our purpose in college, it doesn't just hit us when we graduate either. I've been out of school for a year and a half and I still have yet to discover my purpose. My list of likes and dislikes has continued to grow, however, my ultimate goals in life still elude me.

So what can I deduce at this point?

- I like to write but I rarely have time.

- I like to read but hardly find myself reading except when on the subway.

- I love to be artistic but haven't the space to create.

- I like money (this sounds ridiculously vain but, to be honest, I'm tired of struggling to pay rent, feed myself and my dog, and grab the occasional beer).

- I like the outdoors but not all the time (ruling out the career choice of ranger).

- I like open, friendly, team-oriented environments.

- I dislike working in an environment that has me fearing for my job daily.

- Music is what makes my life complete.

What does this tell me about myself? Ultimately, I need a 30 hour day. Either that or I need to marry a rich man. Neither of these are plausible and the last is rather reprehensible.

Where does this leave me? Back where I started. Continue to work, continue to write if I can find the time, continue to read, get back to art when it's spring and I can use the roof, find some small way to make money in the meantime.

Underlying my every day life will continue to be a question I have been asking myself for the past eight months. When is it right to take the next leap in life? When should I let go and move on? Recently, a friend of mine who found herself less than pleased with her occupation and city quit her job and, upon checking her email that evening, discovered she had the internship she'd applied for. She quit first and was hired second.

Can I do that? Can I abandon a paycheck in an uncertain economy? When I graduated it was easy to leap. I landed on my feet. But now I have my feet on solid ground, if slightly cracked. How can I know when it is right to jump off it? Is there ever a right time to jump or is it simply that one must jump and deal with the consequences?

Superstitious, I believe also in fate. If I am laid off, I will return to Portland and begin searching for jobs in San Francisco. The choice is easy. I will do what I must. But with a current job, the choice becomes more difficult. Can I really justify leaving my current situation if I don't have another job and if I have no idea if I will even be happy doing the work I'm looking into? How can I ascertain if I will be happy in the next phase of my life?

In the end, is it simply balls to the walls and see what happens? Or is it play it safe and maybe happiness will follow someday?